This week I read Sheryl Sandberg’s new book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.  It is very well-written and full of facts and figures about losses, although it is her personal journey of pain, discovery and growth which spoke most to me.  I do not write as well as Ms. Sandberg and her co-author Adam Grant and so, quite frankly, it shut me down.  It has taken a few days to recognize even though we both want to express ourselves and be helpful to others, our voices are not meant to be the same.  Thus I continue with this blog.

Right after I lost my husband, I searched for signs.  I and his daughters saw an unusual number of rainbows, which in mythology represents a path between heaven and earth.  Rabbits seemed to pepper my path, and if they are my animal totem it means I should use the strengths already within me to survive and grow.  The color turquoise initially was prominent, and that hue is associated with a lot of positive attributes, including clarity, communication, and creativity.  Even the horoscope for my last birthday seemed to be a sign, suggesting I make changes to feel better about myself and to move forward in life.

All these signs – yet I did not see him.  I saw nothing of certainty.

I listened for his voice, his breath – yet heard nothing.

I reached across the bed in hopes to feel his body resting next to mine – yet felt nothing.

It is only in my dreams that I see, hear and feel Rick, and those dreams are too infrequent.  The truth of Rick’s continued presence in my life is his daughters’ love for their family, the stories of him told by close friends, and the ache in my heart as each of the “firsts” comes and goes.  I am certain of him.